IfandThenStatements
by LethargicAngel
Summary: new chapter is out!IF you want something CRAZY...THEN... this is the right fic for you [yup! this is a crazy fic by a crazy fic writer...hope you'll like it!] chapter 4 is now available guys! read and review!...specially to pinoys out there
1. CHAPTER I: statements 01 to 08

Disclaimer: I don't own saiyuki [gloom…gloom…gloom…L] but like any fan of saiyuki, I sometimes wish that I **_do_** own it! hehehe!!!! {j/k, _hindi naman masamang mangarap diba?_[ hey, it's not that bad to dream, right?…]}

A/N: this is my first time to write a fic, so please don't be harsh and callous [have mercy on a child like me]. First of all, I know that I'm not good in grammar [I don't focus much in my English subject…(^_^)] so if there are some grammatical error/s…GOMEN x 10000 to the nth power …_tao lang ako nagkakamali din!_ [I'm only human…I make mistakes too], btw this fic just came into me like a shooting star of idea, YUP!, I was rummaging my old stuff and I saw my old computer notebook and there's this topic about the "If and Then" statement… and alas! The shooting star hit my head really hard making me go in front of my computer to type this thing…so here goes…and another thing, there will be a few Filipino words here, don't worry coz' I enclosed the translations in brackets. (^_^)

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**If and Then Statements Chapter I******

** by dragon_wing_master**

**STATEMENT # 01: IF Sanzo is not a monk…**

…THEN… he would either be a president, a general, or any high ranked person who loves giving orders to his "underlings" and inflicting harm on his "servants"

…THEN…a lot of fan girls will ask him for "_his hand in marriage_" [A/N: hey, he can marry if he's not a monk anymore, right? {smiles slyly}]

…THEN…he would be a "guns and ammo" store owner!? {sweatdrops}

…THEN…poor Goku, Gojyo, and Hakkai …imagine Sanzo's temper if he's _not_ a monk???!!! 

…THEN…again…poor, poor Goku, Gojyo, and Hakkai… exactly what will happen to them without Sanzo's gold credit card??? That card is only for high ranked monks, right?

 …THEN…hmmm….in that case, what will he wear? [A/N: hehe…that doesn't sound bad! {imagines Sanzo in casual wear}]

…THEN…unfortunately, there will be no such thing as a journey to the west…Kougaiji's group don't need to pursue Sanzo anymore…Homura's group will have no need of following him because, obviously, if Sanzo's not a monk, he doesn't have a sutra…life will be obviously boring because there will be no such thing as a "Gensomaden Saiyuki" anymore and a lot of "MAKAI TENJOU" fanatics will go wild and beat me for putting up this statement

**STATEMENT # 02: IF Gojyo turned into a _gentleman_…**[exact definition of gentleman: no more girl chasing, no more "Hey! I wanna find some sexy chicks out there and get laid" stuff, no more scandalous rogue and the like, no more pointless fighting with his companions…see also _definition of_ _hakkai_ ]

…THEN…perhaps his stepmother will like him an itsy bitsy little bit?

…THEN…awww!…no more erro kappa (^_^)

…THEN…everyone will be deaf because of the silence that it will cause in hakuryu's back compartment

…THEN…for the first time in his life, Doku will be proud to shout to the world: "Hey! That's my brother!!!"

…THEN…his whole fashion image will change and a lot of Gojyo's fans will either get mad or be happy of the results…it's up to them to judge

…THEN…Goku's saliva will dry up…_wala na siyang kaaway eh! _[He will have no one to argue with anymore!]

…THEN…{a peek on Goku's list…}

**My list of names for Gojyo:**

Erro kappa

 Redroach

 Gokiburi

{Goku took a pencil and put a _strikethrough_ in "Erro kappa"}

…THEN…

Hakkai: Er…is that you Gojyo? You look possessed!

Sanzo: ……………………………….{thinks to himself: "I think I hit his head too hard!"}

Goku: Ack! He must be an enemy in disguise!!!

…THEN…Gensomaden Saiyuki will be scary…Hakkai's gentleman smile is cute and cool even if it's sinister sometimes …but Gojyo's?…IT WILL BE FREAKY!!!

**STATEMENT # 03: IF Sanzo is a good-natured, down-to-earth-I'm-serious-of-my-vocation monk and not the corrupt monk that we all know…**

…THEN…Goku will be very mad because Sanzo will have his head shaved {Goku: "I know that the sun is shiny…but…ehehe…your head shaved?!"}

…THEN…Lirin will be the happiest person [I mean, _youkai_] alive! Her crush on Sanzo will grow bigger if he's bald…Lirin will sing "Baldie Sanzo! Baldie Sanzo!" at the top of her lungs!

…THEN…Sanzo must be dead by now or in the belly of a youkai…especially if he will live in the "Thou shall not kill" policy

…THEN…Sanzo must have picked a shield or a helmet for a weapon instead of his Smith and Wesson gun

…THEN…Kanzeon Bosatsu will regret reincarnating her nephew to the future

…THEN…Gojyo will be mad because he won't be allowed to smoke anymore…and if ever Sanzo will allow him to smoke [since our Sanzo became heavenly, good natured and kind], Gojyo will not have a smoking partner so it will be boring and will make him stop his bad habit anyway

…THEN…the cigarette companies will close, they've lost their most important customer

…THEN…Goku's stomach will get sick [and I think Hakkai'a and Gojyo's too]…remember… monks eats veggies only…which means…bye bye dimsum, bye bye meat buns, bye bye stir fry, bye bye noodles, Goodbye chocolates! Goodbye hotdogs! Goodbye Sanzo! [A/N: ooops! I got carried away, I know pinoys can relate but for those who can't…here in the Philippines, we had this hotdog commercial that became so popular when I was about 4 years old: there was a girl writing in her diary about her crush Carlo, who seems to like her but Carlo only thinks that she's FAT, so she wrote in her diary her diet which is goodbye chocolates, goodbye blah blah blah [all her favorite food] until it reached the part that she wrote goodbye hotdogs…but unfortunately she can't RESIST hotdogs…so she wrote GOODBYE CARLO instead and starts wolfing down some hotdogs…well…this is for your information only (^_^)]

…THEN…Sanzo's credit card charge will be VERY BIG…he will use his card for all the charities in the world [A/N: aww!!! How sweet]

…THEN…Sanzo's harisen will have no use…it will only get moldy and have cobwebs and lots of dust…that is… if Sanzo's not going to use his harisen for a paper fan when it's hot

…THEN…people will have his statue built in _Luneta_ [A/N: Luneta is a park here in the Philippines where you can see the statue of our national hero Jose Rizal]

…THEN…you will see Sanzo smiling almost every episode (^_^)

…THEN…you will never see a twitch in Sanzo's face and you will never see those cute fangs sprouting in his mouth when he's angry…and you will not hear any of his "URUSAIs" and curses [that's a shame L]

…THEN…mahjong, poker and other card games will never be invented…the casino will never be born 

…THEN…Gojyo will BURN **_his list of names for Sanzo_ **and make a new list instead which will start with: ALIEN followed by: WEIRD

…THEN…

Hakkai: First Gojyo…Now Sanzo?!!…what's next…Goku being intelligent or Goku losing       his appetite? THIS IS INSANITY!!! [A/N: nope!!…you'll be next Hakkai-chan! But don't worry…since you're my fave saiyuki character, I will not be _that_ cruel to you {smiles slyly},,, Btw…thanks for the idea about Goku! MWAH!!!] 

**STATEMENT # 04: IF Hakkai joined the 4x4 grand prix, off-road or rally cross using Hakuryu…**

…THEN…he will win first place…as well as the "reckless driver" award, "best jump" award, "crowd's favorite" award, "best exhibition" award and almost all the "dangerous stuff" award that a racer could receive…which includes the "**insane** driver" award

…THEN…he will be imprisoned for one year because of cruelty to animals

…THEN…hakuryu will get the "cute vehicle" award…as well as the "most _unique _vehicle" award…and he will be featured on the cover of all 4x4 magazines with pretty women surrounding him

…THEN…hakuryu will be kidnapped by Collin McRae 

…THEN…Kougaiji will join too {Kougaiji: "_SUGOD HIRYU!!!_" ["GO HIRYU!!!]}

…THEN…Hakuryu will be featured in "Ripley's believe it or not"

**STATEMENT # 05: IF Sanzo did not have the almighty gold credit card…**

…THEN…Sanzo will sell his golden crown thingie to have money

…THEN…Goku will have severe fractures in the head for shouting "harahetta" 24/7

…THEN…they will not enjoy the pleasures of life…no more five star hotels and exclusive inns, no more imported wines and cigarettes, yadda yadda etc.…it means that they will camp in their whole journey to the west

…THEN…

Gojyo: #@%^$*!!! How will I charm girls now? I told them that I'm a rich billionaire!

Goku: HARAHETTAHARAHETTAHARAHETTAHARAHETTAHARAHETTA!!!

{Sanzo's almighty harisen: "WHAPACKWHAPACKWHAPACKWHAPACKWHAP"}

Hakkai: {sweatdrops and smiles} yareyare desu ne [oh! boy!] {thinks to himself: "DAMN! Curses! Curses! Curses! CURSES! How will I buy my booze now???!!!"}

…THEN…no more cool gold-card-flashing with KATCHING sound every time they'll leave a restaurant or inn

**STATEMENT # 06: IF Goku became a genius…**

…THEN…Gojyo will kill his self 

…THEN…Goku will not argue with Gojyo anymore…Goku will fight with **Hakkai** instead [hehe…imagine them talking about how to read the road map properly…just think of the things that might happen: map getting ripped, Goku becoming berserk, Sanzo getting mad and the almighty harisen will make its appearance again and prevail…and for the first time…it will strike Hakkai's head]

…THEN…Gojyo will cry…if Goku's a genius now…that means he will be the one with the lowest I.Q. in the group

…THEN…Goku will plot strategies every time they'll have a fight

…THEN…Goku's head will be punch-free, shock-proof and free from all the harm Sanzo [compliment by his harisen] can inflict to him when he gives his stupid remarks (but that doesn't mean that he's safe…coz' he could still receive a few WHAPACKs from Sanzo when he shouts the magical words: HA-RA-HET-TA!)

…THEN…who will carry their baggage now? Since Goku became a genius…obviously he could easily win in _jack en poy _[Philippine's version of paper, scissors, stone…also known as "bato…bato…PIK!!!" unfortunately…I dunno why it's called like that (^_^)] 

…THEN…{a peek in Sanzo AND Gojyo's list…}

**Our List of Names for Goku:**

Baka saru

Stomach-brained Baka saru

Brown Baka saru

Always-hungry Baka saru

Can't-think-about-anything-else-but-food baka saru

 Glutton baka saru

 {Gojyo took an eraser and erased all the word: "BAKA"}

…THEN…

Gojyo:…………………………………………..[thinks to himself: "I don't want to speak anymore…his jabbering 'I'm-intelligent-you're not' mouth irritates me and makes me feel like a complete idiot!]

Hakkai:………………………………………….[whispers to Sanzo: "Sanzo…you think your harisen hit marks changed Goku's brain and it caused something to make him intelligent?"]

Sanzo:………………………………………….[Sanzo's reply: "Chi'…Do you want me to hit him again?…hmmm…how about hitting Gojyo's instead?"]

Goku: How come everyone's so quiet…okay, now here's the plan…BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! YADDA! YADDA!……

**STATEMENT # 07: IF Goku lost his huge appetite…**

…THEN…Gojyo will be very fat by now…_pano ba yan!, la na siyang kaagaw sa pagkain_ [Gojyo will have no one to argue with when it comes to food anymore…which means he'll be able to eat as many as his stomach can manage]

…THEN…the ones who'll be fighting about food are Lirin and Gojyo from now on!

…THEN…it will be both good news and bad news to restaurants…good news? Because they will not run out of rations and they'll be able to serve others quite fairly and it will be a big relief to the cooks since they don't have to make HUGE orders…the bad news is…well…Sanzo will pay anyway right?…so…without Goku's huge appetite, it's just like loosing hundreds of customers

…THEN…Hakuryu will be relieved…he should not be afraid of being eaten by Goku from now on (^_^)

…THEN…Gensomaden just lost one of their great "comedy effects" 

…THEN…Sanzo will miss a lot of exercise…hitting Goku's head with his harisen to be precise

**STATEMENT # 08: IF Hakuryu cannot change into a jeep…**

…THEN…the Sanzo-ikkou already have gray hair before they reach their destination

…THEN…poor, poor lil' toes, it will be so sore before they could reach any town [specially Sanzo's…I noticed he's the only one who's wearing sandals…and he's wearing cute black socks too, that will be a lil' uncomfortable if he's going to _walk_ his way to the west]

…THEN…hmmm…perhaps it's time for the Sanzo-ikkou to buy rubber shoes…Nike anyone?

…THEN…Hakuryu will be in the belly of Goku by now

…THEN…Goku will add Hakuryu in the menu the next time Hakkai will cook for them…{a peek in Goku's menu…}

**Menu For The Day**

_ Fried Hakuryu_

_Roasted Hakuryu basted in white wine_

_ Steamed Hakuryu_

_ Hakuryu buns_

_ Hakuryu dumplings_

A/N: awww…poor Hakuryu, I wonder how Hakkai will react the moment he sees this [I know Hakkai will not let anyone hurt our cute Hakuryu…might as well EAT him]

**_____________*****_____________**

**_  To Be Continued…_**

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A/N: YAWNS!!!…ummm…I'm so sleepy now {looks at watch…exactly 3:30 a.m. …YIKES!}

…Yipee! At last…my very first fic! Well, I managed to put the first eight statements here… I have other statements in my sleeves but I just want to save them for the next chappies [yup! Other statements like 'IF a Gensomaden Saiyuki character have SARS…' to 'IF Kougaiji is part of the Sanzo-ikkou…' or 'IF a Gensomaden bishounen turned into a {gasp!}…SHOUJO?!!!' and other craziness this mind of mine concocts] It will only depend to the reviews I will receive… If you guys want me to continue it, just inform me and I'll be happy to finish it [and I'll be happy too if you will give me some suggestions or if you want to add some of your "THENs" in my statement…just e-mail me (^_^)] but if you don't like my fic I won't mind it if you will give some of your comments [I believe that people learn from their mistakes]…just pleaseeeee…don't be to harsh on me…I'm just a beginner [and like I said earlier…I'm only human…I make mistakes too J ] … but I do hope that you like it…because the best thing that a fanfic writer could receive after such tedious work is a few warm remarks and reviews of praise from readers (^_^) oyasumi then…I guess… {yawns} it's time… for me to sleep…(-_-)zzzzzz {doze off to dream land}

_while _dragon_wing_master _is sleeping…the Sanzo-ikkou take a lil' peep in the statements…_

Sanzo:……………………………………………...{took his gun out and points it to sleeping dragon_wing_master…good thing Hakkai stopped him}

Goku: BWAHAHAHAHAHa…{points at Gojyo}…YOU!!! A gentleman!!!! Guffaw guffaw!!! NO WAY!!!

Gojyo: harharhar {sarcastic}…very funny…{looks at statements and end up laughing his stomach out} bwaharharhar!!! YOU… BAKA SARU!!!???? Loose his apetite?…and wait…there's more…YOU??? A GENIUS!!!! Harharhar!!! Now that's unbelievable!!!

Hakkai: yareyare desu ne!!! {reads statements then look slyly to Hakuryu…} Ne hakuryu-chan…I heard that there's a rally and off-road expedition starting up here in Tougenkyo…hmmm…perhaps we could join??? [sinister smile]

Hakuryu: kyu???? KYUUUUUUU!!!! {reads statements and saw "Fried Hakuryu"} ACK! More KYU KYUs!!!

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	2. CHAPTER II: statements 09 to 13

Disclaimer…_nanaman???!!_ [AGAIN???!!]: …AGAIN…I don't own saiyuki [AGAIN… gloom…gloom… gloom…(~.~)] AGAIN… like any fan of saiyuki, I sometimes wish that I **_do_** own it! AGAIN hehehe!!!! {AGAIN…j/k, _hindi naman masamang mangarap diba?_[ AGAIN…hey, it's not that bad to dream, right?…]} (^_~)

A/N: {shouts out loud} welcome to chappie 2!!!…First of all, I want to thank those who put their reviews for the first chapter of "If and Then Statements"…{bows head} _MARAMING SALAMAT_ _POH!!! _[ARIGATOH x 10000 to the nth power]…I appreciate it very much (^__^,)…er…I don't want this note to be very long…so please refer to chapter one's A/N instead…so let's begin!!!

P.S. btw…AGAIN…don't worry about the Filipino words here…I italicized them and put their translations in brackets so that everyone can relate (^_^)

**If and Then Statements Chapter II******

 by dragon_wing_master

STATEMENT # 09: IF the Gensomaden Saiyuki characters will have their own basketball team…

…THEN…Kougaiji's team vs. Sanzo's team??? {ehehe…sweatdrops}

…THEN…Sanzo will obviously be the coach…ordering people around is his expertise (^_^)'

…THEN…Hakkai will obviously be the referee…inside AND outside the court

…THEN…Gojyo is nowhere to be found during "timeouts"…it's because he's busy scoring on something else; scoring with the pretty cheer dancers in the bleachers, that is! [hmmm…very typical of Gojyo {sweatdrops}]

…THEN…Goku and Lirin is nowhere to be found, too…where could they be? [looks for Goku and Lirin…Gee {sweat drops}…]…they're in the stalls buying popcorn, peanuts, hotdogs and…wait a minute…IS THAT BALOT???!!! [pinoys out there can relate…for those who can't relate…Balot is a Filipino delicatessen…it's duck's egg [lil' duckling inside included] eaten with salt…elders in my country says that eating Balot will make your knees strong…unfortunately I dunno any explanation about this…if you think that it's gross, disgusting or whatever you want to call it…here in my country…they call it… "DELICIOUS, my compliment to the chef!"]

…THEN…Doku will be kicked out of the basketball court by security guards and will point on a sign on the door… STRICTLY ONLY BASKETBALL PLAYERS CAN ENTER THE COURT: WRESTLERS, BOXERS OR ANY OTHER PLAYERS NOT CONNECTED WITH BASKETBALL ARE NOT ALOWED TO PLAY!…join the WWE or knockout sonny!

…THEN…Kougaiji will win the "MVP" award…he's very good in basketball…summoning those fireballs are pretty hard…but dribbling them?! [A/N: notice when Kougaiji summons evil…he forms it into a ball first…well, that gave my crazy mind an idea that he might be good in basketball!]…wait a second…that means he ties up with Hakkai!!…Hakkai has cool Chi' balls too! [unfortunately Hakkai is the referee already…he'll be the MVP too if he joins…but I don't want that to happen…without Hakkai for a referee…_Araneta_ will be in ruins in no time! (Araneta is a coliseum here in my country where basketball games are usually held)]

…THEN…{GASP!}…Kanzeon Bosatsu is part of the members of the board??!!! Together with Kougaiji's step mom!

…THEN…Jiroushin will be the announcer…even if he sees the people in the court going chaos already, he will not announce anything bad happening because he always follows Kanzeon's commands…and knowing Kanzeon…who knows what EXCITING things might happen {a lil' peek in this scene…}

Jiroushin: {announcer type voice}…AND KOUGAIJI SCORES AGAIN!!!

Gojyo: that's unfair!…He used magic to score…

Kougaiji: I did not! You're just envious because girls likes me better than you are…I'm the MVP!! BWAHAHA! [A/N: Did you know that Sakuragi's (of SLAM DUNK) voice actor is the same as Kougaiji's? Unbelievable? Believe it!]

Kougaiji's OWN cheering squad: KOUGAIJI!… KOUGAIJI!…KOU-GAI-JI!! {hoorah, hoorah, yadda, yadda}

Goku: Sanzo…timeout…harahetta…

Sanzo: {cocks gun} URUSAI! Focus or we'll loose!

Lirin: Baldie Sanzo…HARAHETTA!!! {hugs Sanzo with cute puppy eyes}

Jiroushin: {announcer type voice} O-OH! Looks like our players are having a rough time in the court…er…{voice goes berserk already} YIPES! Gojyo and Kougaiji's fighting already…the crowd's gone wild…what to do…ACK! WHAT TO DO?!…Let's ask the board for their decision…what do you think Kanzeon?

Kanzeon Bosatsu: {smiles slyly} let them have a little fun…_unchanging _basketball scenes are boring… {watched blissfully as Gojyo hit Kougaiji with his chain-and-blade while Kougaiji's summoning evil and Sanzo fires his gun while Goku and Lirin caused a rampage on the hotdog stalls}

Jiroushin: {sweatdrops}…and your decision ma'am?

Kougaiji's step mom: …same here…[laughs deviously]…Go my Kougaiji! Hit him! Kill him! Riiiiip Him apart!… And give me Sanzo's sutra afterwards!

Jiroushin: er…THEN LET"S CALL THE PARAMEDICS!…AND THE REFEREE, what the hell are you doing?! 

[It turned out that the head of the paramedics is Yaone and she's busily talking with the referee Hakkai right now]

{Jiroushin fainted…Nii took the microphone and announced "That's all folks!" showing his cute stuffed plushie bunny in the camera}

STATEMENT # 10: IF a Gensomaden Saiyuki character has {…GULP…} SARS…

…THEN…obviously, the one who has it is the old man that works for the group of Kougaiji [A/N: Sorry…I don't know his name…he's the old man with a weird head with weird stuff sticking on it and other gizmos…he works for the Gyumao revival project, inform me please if you know his name {er…I guess it's not that important}]

…THEN…the one who made the virus is Nii…perhaps he injected it on the weird old geezer guy with a weird head

…THEN…everybody will ask Hakkai to heal them…er…that is…If he CAN heal them!

…THEN…Yaone will try to create a potion to cure it (^_^)

…THEN…Sanzo will use his long sutra to cover his mouth [A/N: but Sanzo…you must do something about your eyes too {imagines Sanzo in shades…ACK! CREEPY!}]

…THEN…Gojyo will minimize his girl hunting…he's afraid to be contaminated by the virus…but knowing Gojyo…well…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

…THEN…hmmm….perhaps from this day forth, the Sanzo-ikkou will try their best to make sure that their surroundings are clean…Hakuryu's compartment I mean, it needs a lil' _cleaning_ [definition of cleaning: cigarette butt free, scattered porno magazines free, spoiled food free, obviously dirt free, and who-knows-what-lies there free]

…THEN…er…do you think… If Goku has it…he will minimize his big appetite? [his three companions pretended that they didn't hear anything]

STATEMENT # 11: IF the Gensomaden Saiyuki characters [Gaiden included] will enter a mall…

…THEN…they have to disguise their selves or else fans will go drooling over them in no time…crushing them into a pulp

…THEN…Gojyo will buy new Polo shirts for his big brother Doku…let's just say that he noticed his brother wearing almost the same thing everyday that sometimes he's not wearing anything on top at all, and if he DO wear anything, Gojyo noticed that it's like a dress {sweatdrops} [A/N:…again, sorry to interfere, but I just noticed that usually Doku is portrayed wearing pants only and nothing on top: no shirt, no polo, no vest whatsoever or he's wearing the white thingie that…err…looks like a dress (^_^)'…no offense to Doku fans out there…if there is]

…THEN…Tenpou's first stop in the mall is _National Bookstore or PowerBooks_ [National and PowerBooks are both bookstores here in my country]

…THEN…awww….Goku and Lirin eating together in the food court…hmmm…do you think they'll accept Sanzo's credit card?…NO?!…O-Oh! We're in big trouble!, they have to wash the dishes then, afterwards to pay for it [that will take for months!]

…THEN…ooops!, Sanzo cannot enter?…the metal detector go berserk when Sanzo passed…guess he have to leave Smith and Wesson to the security guards… but knowing Sanzo, he'll blow their heads with his gun instead!

…THEN…Yaone cannot have a shopping spree unless she will give the security guards all the explosives she brought

…THEN…the security dogs will keep on barking on Hakkai, they detected a bomb _inside_ his body [Hakkai: yare yare desu ne {summons a chi' ball}]

…THEN…Kougaiji's mom is in the beauty parlor right now having a pedicure and a hair treatment…it's time for her to put those ugly looking dumplings in her hair away and ride with the new fashion hairstyles [Kougaiji's mom is so vain that it's killing me!…I wanna puke!, I think what she needs is a plastic surgery!]

…THEN…Nii will look for cute stuffed bunnies in Gift Gate…they sell the cutest stuffed toys there (^_^)…awww, cute plushies!

…THEN…Kanzeon Bosatsu will be in the Gardening Department…she must buy new plants for her pond in heaven don't you think? [Holland Tulips anyone?]

…THEN…hmmm…what will happen if Sanzo bought a machine gun?? {a lil' peek on this scene…}

Sanzo:………………………………..alright, I'll buy that {took machine gun from storeowner and KATCHING! from his gold credit card}

{somebody entered the store…GASP! It's Zeon!}

Zeon: What the…{saw the machine gun} _GAYA GAYA!_ [YOU COPYCAT!]

…THEN…Shien will buy hair accessories! [I liked Shien's hair when he unleashed it in the second to the last episode…so long and so silky that he could have passed for a shampoo commercial! Head and Shoulders?]…and a jumping rope?! Gee…

…THEN…Konzen will be lost in the mall looking for Goku…but knowing Goku, there's only one place to find him! [hmmm…I think Konzen must do something with his hair too, It sure will attract a lot of attention! His hair is so beautiful that I wish a person truly exist with such wonderful golden hair [btw I liked Sanzo's hair too…to think that they're the same person]

…THEN…Kenren probably will be in Padi's Point or any bar in the mall with Hakkai having a drinking competition…the whole gang could be there too!

…THEN…Nataku is…what?!, he's looking for a cell phone and a laptop? So much for a fighting god! [hi-tech!]

…THEN…Jiroushin is…hmmm…where the hell is Jiroushin? {looks for Jiroushin…er…guess where he is?}…he's having a neo print taken! {Jiroushin shows dragon_wing_master the neoprint…Jiroushin with the peace sign} ehehe {sweatdrops}, perhaps he wants a remembrance for his first mall experience here on earth?

STATEMENT # 12: IF someone will give the Saiyuki boys a Play Station…

…THEN…that means they should buy a T.V. right? {Sanzo showed dragon_wing_master the almighty credit card…KATCHING!…[sweatdrops]}

…THEN…Hakkai will play Gran Turismo, Nascar Rumble, Rally Cross and almost all driving stimulation games humans invented

…THEN…Hakuryu will love to play Lunar…he will have a dragon friend there [You know the cute dragon Nall?]

…THEN…the Play Station will be destroyed…Goku will try to eat the wires thinking it was Yakisoba!

…THEN…Sanzo will love playing violent games…games that includes shooting a gun if you know what I mean

…THEN…poor Gojyo, It's pretty hard to find a game with sexy ladies that you can interact with, Thousand Arms have a dating game though, wanna borrow? {shows the CD, Gojyo nods!}

…THEN…Kanzeon Bosatsu will buy one too if she sees the Saiyuki boys having fun, A Play Station could put away the boredom that heaven's environment have [imagine Jiroushin and Kanzeon Bosatsu playing Street Fighter or Tekken!…ACK! Imagine them doing…WHAT?…DANCE REVO?!!!]

…THEN…their journey to the west will be postponed…if they will keep on playing games instead of focusing in their journey

STATEMENT # 13: IF Hakuryu can change into an airplane…

…THEN…

Hakuryu: {sweatdrops}…Kyu Kyu?

Hakkai: a jeep's fine with me…but an airplane?! Who will drive that thing?!

Gojyo: {looks at the huge compartment} hmmm…huge compartment heh? All my chicks will have room here…Aida will sit there, Lorna will sit there, Fe will sit there…Blah! Blah! Blah!

Sanzo: URUSAI! {whapack!}…I have plans for that space {thinks to himself: I will place all the weaponry in our temple there…}

Goku: Sanzo…can we put a restaurant inside?

Sanzo's harisen: WHAPACK!

…THEN…they will reach their destination in one hour…BORING…Hakuryu being an airplane is not a good idea after all

…THEN…how will youkais attack them now? I've heard of youkais jumping very high…but youkais flying?!

___________*****__________

_…to be continued…_

A/N: yipeee! Chappie two is finished! Watch out for chapter three k?…hope that you like this fic, I want to make it longer but I want to save the other statements for the next chapters…please x 10000 to the nth power, review, I want to hear from you, I want to know if I could be a good fic writer someday like those fanfic writers out there because I'm just a beginner {Yep! This is my very first fic…by the way, please read my second fic too, the title is "VALUE OF FRIENDSHIP" and I hope that you'll like it too}, and if you have ideas don't be shy to tell me k?…but if you have comments…please say it nicely Ne?…don't be harsh on a thirteen years old gurl like me…_tao lang ako nagkakamali_ _din!_ [I'm only human, I make mistakes too]…{KNOCK! KNOCK!}…hey I have visitors…come in!

_Sanzo-ikkou entered dragon_wing_master's lair…_

Hakkai: konichiwa dragon_master_wing, Ano…you don't mind if we have a little peek on the new statements? We hear you shouting praises that we couldn't help but wonder if the second chapter is finished [smiles]

Dragon_wing_master: [thinks to herself: o-oh!] a…..e…..i…..o….

Hakkai: Is there a problem?

Dragon_wing_master: …U!…{snap back to reality}…Oh, nothing! Nothing!…please feel at home…you want tea?

Sanzo: what we want is to read the new statements!

Dragon_wing_master: {GULP!} k…{hands the new statements to Sanzo and hides behind Hakkai}

Sanzo:………………………………………………………………..{cocks gun and points it to dragon_wing_master}

Hakkai: {sweatdrops}…you're torturing us again Ne?

Dragon_wing_master: ehehe…GOMEN GOMEN GOMEN! Wait a minute!…how did you guys know that I…

Goku: It's because we read the first chapter while you're sleeping!

Dragon_wing_master: …………(o.o)….you did? {thinks to herself: and to think that I want to make it secret!}

Gojyo: hmmm…not that bad…{laughs like a hyena}…TRUE! TRUE!… I noticed that my big brother wears the same thing almost everyday! Harhar! guffaw guffaw!…{stops laughing and looked at dragon_wing_master} say…how about dinner and…you know…{holds dragon_wing_master's hand}

Dragon_wing_master: ACK! Let go of my hand…you pervert! {good thing Sanzo saved dragon_wing_master…or else!}

Sanzo: URUSAI! {whapack from the almighty harisen} she's only thirteen you ero kappa!

Gojyo: Hey! I just want her to be my FRIEND!

Hakkai: yare yare desu ne!

Goku: Hey! Lirin and company is here too {reads statement}…hmphhh! No way will I share food with that Lirin! She's Baldie Sanzo's girl frien….

Sanzo: Continue it and you're one dead monkey {points gun}

Dragon_wing_master: please…please…don't fight here…I don't want my room destroyed…(^_^)'''' {knock! Knock!}…hey…We've got company…come in…

_Kougaiji's group entered dragon_wing_master's lair…_

Dragon_wing_master: Yipes! This means more trouble! {looks at readers} Goodbye then! And please review! {runs out of the room} 


	3. CHAPTER III: statements 14 to 15

Disclaimer: sigh! Do I have to do this again???? [FINE!] I do not own Saiyuki! {buhuhuhu!! blah blah blah yadda yadda!!}

A/N: KONICHIWA!!!! Thank you for those who reviewed the first two chappies! {bows head "_Maraming__ Salamat Poh_!" [Thank you very much!!!!]} I really appreciate it! You're the ones that urges me never to give up! That's why I'm dedicating this fic to you guys and I hope that you will like it!. By the way…sorry if there are some Pinoy words in my fanfic…maybe it's just that I'm proud of being Pinoy, but I **_tried_** my best to minimize it this time so that everyone can relate [and I italicized them and placed their translations in brackets (^_^)]. I also want to apologize if I didn't have the time to upload my fanfics fast. It's just that I've been very very very busy in schoolwork [Damn! Being a second year high school is so hard!!!! Biology…Geometry…Asian Studies…yadda…yadda…yadda! IT'S SHEER TORTURE!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! BUHUHUHU!!!] anyway…WELCOME TO CHAPTER THREE!!! (^_~)!!

p.s. I suck in grammar!!! [I don't focus much in my English subject!]…so please forgive me if there are bad stuff like that in my fic [I'm only human, I make mistakes too] you can always say it nicely to me ne?

If and Then Statements Chapter III By dragon_wing_master 

**STATEMENT # 14: IF Kougaiji's step mom is…ACK!…a vampire?!!!**

…THEN…ohhh!!! So that explains why Lirin have cute itsie bitsie tiny lil' fangs??

…THEN…Kougaiji might commit suicide…it's pretty hard for him to bare with his freaky step mom but…can he bare with a blood sucking step mom?!!

…THEN…Let's call Goku…the vampire slayer!!! [Goku: nyoibu!!!!! {stabs Kougaiji's step mom on the heart}]

…THEN…So…her secret weapon is sucking other people's blood??? {sweatdrops…ehehe}

…THEN…hmmmm…so that's the reason why she's cooped up in the dark…she's afraid of the sun [Did I say sun?…that must mean she's afraid of Sanzo too (^_~)]

…THEN…Lirin is also a vampire…and I'm sure that she can't wait to have a taste of baldie Sanzo's nyummy blood {smiles slyly}

…THEN…can't imagine half of her body having wings and flapping around at night…ACK!...ASWANG!!!! [A/N: Aswang is the Philippine version of vampire…F.Y.I.: half of the aswang's body is separated from the other half and bat wings sprout in it's back allowing it to fly…kinda gross and creepy Ne?]

…THEN…errr...imagine the Sanzo-ikkou's reaction when they found out...

Gojyo: Doku!...You're working for a vampire?! What the bleeping bleep of a bleep [censored]! You really don't have good taste in women... and still, I call you brother?!! Tsk..Tsk.. {shakes head in disgust}

Hakkai: {smiles weakly} ehehe...{sweatdrop}...Gomen minna san... demo...I don't think I want to waste my chi' balls on this...er..._creature_, can I ask Hakuryu to toast her instead? [Hakuryu: {sweatdrops} **_KYU? KYU? KYU?]_**

Goku: It's a good thing that I just ate garlic!!!! Vampires hate garlic right?!!! [jumps happily]

Sanzo: Chi' BAKA SARU!!! What are you planning to do?!! Kill her with bad breath?!!! {WHAPACK! WHAPACK! from the almighty fan} So you're the one who's stinking in the jeep a while ago! {again...a few WHAPACKS! from Sanzo's almighty harisen]...Chi' and I thought that I just stepped on some...{looks at Gojyo and Goku...they're both smiling}

Gojyo: _some_...

Sanzo: {eyebrow twitching...veins popping mad} URUSAI!!!! {A few Whapacks! and the rest is history!} 

...THEN...Gyumao is stupid! I can't imagine that he replaced Kougaiji's mom with a...with a...with a...{dragon_wing_master zipped her mouth and kept quiet and hid behind Hakkai...Kougaiji's step mom is eyeing her with very very hungry eyes in the neck}

**STATEMENT # 15: IF Kanzeon Bosatsu is a...A WHAT?!!...A WITCH??? [dragon_wing_master...I think you're watching too much TV...or, maybe it's the effect of loads of schoolwork...Yipes! I guess it made me insane...I'm talkin' to myself!!! {dragon_wing_master shook her head}]... back to the statement...**

...THEN...imagine Kanzeon Bosatsu riding a broomstick when she descends from heaven to meet the Sanzo-ikkou!

...THEN...er...imagine Kanzeon Bosatsu with a wart on the nose!!!!

...THEN...hmmm...perhaps she could turn Jiroushin into a toad if she gets bored in heaven? (^_^)''' 

...THEN...Hey! Maybe she's **Prof. Trelawney** in disguise! Kanzeon Bosatsu **_loves_** "future telling" ne? Imagine Kanzeon Bosatsu saying in a creepy and screechy voice: "It's a bad omen!... It's the GRIM!...The Grim...The Grim is here...Beware...!!" [A/N: Prof. Trelawney is the divinations teacher in Harry Potter...the weird psychopath who keeps on telling Harry Potter that he's "about to die!!!"...what a moron! (Ooops...no offense to Prof. Trelawney fans out there...er...if there are...fans out there] 

...THEN...she has a wand!!!! [Kanzeon Bosatsu: Wingardium Leviosa!!!] ACK!! I'm out of here!!! 

…THEN…she will make a potion that will make her look…er…younger?

…THEN…what will happen to heaven now??? [Heaven will turn into a weird wonderland…imagine it having lollipop trees and icings, it's windows made up of chocolates and it's doors covered with frosting…DAMN! What the hell am I thinking! Maybe It's just that I'm hungry…I guess (^_^)]

…THEN…hmmmm…will she make a love potion so that she could [AT LONG LAST!!!] marry somebody????

…THEN…ehehe…what will his nephew say??... {a lil' peek on this scene guys!}

Kanzeon Bosatsu: Sanzo…I have a confession to make, I hope that you can handle this terrible news…I'm…I'm…I'm a witch!!! {says "Abracadabra" and she changed into an ugly, terrible, disgusting, (whatever you want to call it) old **_hag!_**}…You see, I used a magic spell to make me look younger and prettier, but the truth is, I'm a thousand years old already!!!…but…this is how I really look like…

Sanzo {looks at Kanzeon Bosatsu from head to toe}: **Chi'… I don't see any difference, KUSO BABA!**

Gojyo: GASP!!! She kissed me once!!! {spits on the ground} Ptttttt….pttt…YUCK!!!

Hakkai: Yare Yare desu ne…Sanzo have wizard blood in his veins!, that means you will receive a letter one day inviting you to study in Hogwarts! You have to be careful then, I heard that they turn students into frogs and…Oh well…The only way I could help is to lend you a certain dragon…Ne? {looks at Hakuryu}

Hakuryu: KYU! KYU! 

Goku: really??? You can do magic then!!! Can you turn this stone into a meat bun puhleeze???!!!

Sanzo: URUSAI!!! BAKA SARU!!!

Goku: ITAI YO SANZO!!! {rubs sore head}

…THEN…The saiyuki boys must be very very careful…Who knows what Kanzeon Bosatsu has in mind??? {smiles slyly}

______________******_____________

**_To Be Continued… (^_^)_**

****

A/N: I'm really really REALLY sorry if this chapter is very very short, it's just that I'm too busy in schoolwork that I don't have the time to focus in my fanfics. By the way guys, a friend of mine is asking [begging actually] me to put a statement about Meteor Garden [IF the Saiyuki boys will play as the boys in Meteor Garden and something like that…Yadda Yadda]…The problem is, I haven't watched it yet {because of lack of time and the only reason why I open the television is to watch anime (^_~) and some good movies on the tube, and…er…I dunno, it's just that I'm not the type who watches telenovelas and the like {no offense please}, but my friend insists that it's not like those mushy Italian-dubbed-Filipino telenovelas that's usually aired on TV } so…I guess I have to ask for your suggestions guys, If I receive reviews wanting me to put this stuff…I guess…majority wins (^_^)! Well gotta go! Oh! And please please please please …REVIEW!!!! I really want to hear from you guys…but if ever you don't like my fic for whatever reason, you can always say it nicely to me, Ne? and Suggestions are always welcome!! Bye! 

****


	4. CHAPTER IV: statements 16 to 18

Disclaimer: (groans) Do I have to? (smiles slyly) owkie…I do not own saiyuki…the one who owns it is really lucky..gosh! I envy her so much!

**A/N** (yep….it's kinda IMPORTANT that you read this haha!): owkieee…..(breathes air) weeeeee! I can't believe I'm doing this again, due to constant demand (AND NAGGING from my friends telling me that I should be more "committed" to the work that I started) I'm back to update this fic (scatters confetti everywhere) okei, for starters, I want to ask for forgiveness for not updating this fic (bows head) GOMEN…I'm really sorry coz' I'm so busy with a lot of things (I'm in college now by the way…imagine how time flies! Smile smile smile!) Also, I have to remind everyone that dragonwingmaster and lethargicangel is one and the same (yep, I changed my pen name coz it's kinda long to type dragonwingmaster all the time….erm…hope you understand (grins) and perhaps…another reason is…hehe…i'm…erm always lethargic? (dear Sanzo-sama eyed the author while murmuring "weird kid…I pity you") hmph! Don't mind that monkie! (hmmm….i kinda like the sound of that! Monkie monkie!) okei…back to the A/N…since a lot have happened to our milieu and to Sanzo's group (with the requiem, the reloaded episodes and the gunlock episodes released) that means that a lot of torture…I mean…_statements_ will be made by yours truly…again. I read my last entries and I realized that I really need to update this…it also bring back good memories…Pardon me for not updating…and THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED MY FIC and added this to their favorites. I really appreciate everything…I hope that you'll support the new updates too I DEDICATE THIS TO ALL OF YOU and hopefully, you'll like em the way you liked the last chapters…I know my writing skills became a little rusty this past few years (coz…I almost gave up on writing) but hopefully, I'll be able to get my muse back and be able to write good fanfics again for all of you. Enjoy

Ps: thanks for the suggestions minna-san! They encouraged me to write again (winx)

**IF AND THEN STATEMENTS (RELOADED): CHAPTER IV **

**By -LethargicAngel- (a.k.a dragonwingmaster)**

**STATEMENT # 16: IF Sanzo's group meet -LethargicAngel- in person (which means…not just in the fanfics…erm…okei, let's just imagine that THAT'S possible)…**

…THEN…imagine me jumping up and down, like a little child under the Christmas tree…running around like some sort of lunatic (did I just said that? Haha!)

…THEN…erm…imagine me dead on the ground (damn! I DID said that?) c/o Sanzo's gun

…THEN…a big mob of Saiyuki fans will destroy our humble home

…THEN…erm…imagine me dead (again) but this time care of Hakkai's fans!

…THEN… Goku will say "Can we keep her? Please? She looks edible!"? (sweatdrops)

…THEN…they should hide hakuryu…before I take it as my pet!

…THEN…hmmm…with –LetahrgicAngel- dead…who's going to continue this fanfic? (applause from Sanzo's group…they've been saved from torture)

ps. Woah! That's not a good start for my return! Me? Dead! Gotta find my muse…where o where is my muse! And who possessed me right now causing me to write something so…so…(Lethargic angel reads statement 16) hmm…meeting Hakkai is not that bad hehe…but me dead? ehehehe… (saw Kanzeon typing) aha! So you're the one who wrote that statement! Stop messing with my computer! Ehem…sorry for the interruption…back to the statements…

**STATEMENT # 17: IF Sanzo is asked by Kanzeon to run a school…**

…THEN…woah! There will be millions of people who are going to enroll! That includes me of course!

…THEN…imagine the name of the school…then it will say "this prestigious school is exclusively run by a high ranked monk" then a banner at the front of the school states "So what are you waiting for? Enroll now! And get the best education and training that suits you! No tuition fee increase! No ugly cafeteria ladies!"…okei…now who made that banner? (saw hakuryu with a paintbrush) I knew it!

…THEN…nice! The Sanzo-ikkou in formal wear! Haha!

…THEN…I wonder…what will Goku teach? Home Economics? I bet he'll teach Nutrition! Or perhaps he'll be helping in the school cafeteria?

…THEN…What! Gojyo is teaching P.E.? hmm…suits him, I mean…he is strong and lean and everything…but…ehehehe… let's have a look at this situation shall we?

Kanzeon: this will be your curriculum (hands long paper to Gojyo)

Gojyo: wow! I'm teaching P.E.? that means….(drools as he imagine girls in their gym shorts) I'll take the job! When will I start?

Kanzeon: (smiles slyly) you're forgetting THIS detail (points at the paper)

Gojyo: (reads paper) eh? You…you…serious?

Kanzeon: (nods head) you could ask help from Doku if you like (grins)

Gojyo: (eyes wide) NANI! ARE YOU CRAZY! You expect me to teach folk dances and…and…BALLROOM DANCING with TINIKLING! (note: tinikling is a famous folk dance here in the Philippines…it's a dance where you risk your life in clicking bamboos that can rip your toes apart hehe…trust me…it hurts)

…THEN…Hakkai will be teaching girls how to cook…erm…and will keep on reminding them to look at what they're doing instead of looking at his face

…THEN…one of Hakkai's student will surely be GOKU! He will be the official taste tester!

…THEN… WHAT! Lirin is in the pre-school department! What is she doing there? What is she teaching? (runs to check…only to find her sleeping cozily with the other children) aww…kawaii!

…THEN…hmm…principal Sanzo…let's see what he's up to (visits the principals office only to find him reading the newspaper with a cigarette on his mouth) erm…I guess he's busy? (sweatdrops)

…THEN…oh no! teachers should be good examples right? How will Gojyo smoke now? What more…how will the principal discipline his self!

…THEN…Prof. Nii will teach a lot of subjects…that is…if Sanzo will hire him in the first place (evil grin)

…THEN…this school will either be the best school or the most chaotic one in the whole world

…THEN…perhaps they will teach some of their…skills? Wow! That would be nice! I can already see one session in Hakkai's class: he is teaching them "ala Yoga style" how to concentrate their Chi…then again…how will Goku teach students how to use his almighty staff?

…THEN…someone…either from the department of education or anyone from the government will do something to close this school down…it's causing them a lot of ruckus (winks)

…THEN…no worries to people who get hurt in the process of learning…Nurse Yaone is always in the clinic to supply your needs! (saw a long line of boys in front of the school clinic)…hey! What the hell is teacher Gojyo doing in the queue?

…THEN…so…who among them will teach history? (everyone looked at Jiroushin)

**STATEMENT # 18: IF Sanzo's group is forced to work together with Kougaiji's group…**

…THEN…big fights coming up! Who's going to be group leader?

…THEN…this will be another entry for Ripley's believe it or not!

…THEN…Kanzeon will sing "reunited makes me feel so good…" at the top of her lungs!…music that suits her age…oops!

…THEN…it's either they're both up to something good…or both of them is up to something more chaotic…imagine them participating on the same project? Nah!

…THEN…awww…Lirin is working side by side with her baldie Sanzo! Monkie monkie! (gets a slap from the fan) ITAI!

…THEN...so, what are they doing together? (saw them watching the DVDs of Gensomaden Saiyuki) I should have not asked!

…THEN…goodness! Goku and Lirin will keep on fighting about food! Gojyo will have a new competitor!

…THEN…NANI! How the heck will they all fit in hakuryu! Hakuryu should change into a truck!

…THEN…does this mean that Hakkai will have to wash more clothes? Except if Yaone will help in doing the laundry

…THEN…Sanzo will have to do more baby-sitting this time! Two little sarus to take care!

…THEN…big brother Doku will have a lot of disciplining to do with his "lil bro"

…THEN…So…who's going to drive this time? Are they going to use hakuryu or they'll be using the Hiryus? (woah! it rhymes)

…THEN…imagine them in the same attire...black pants and white shirt…they're at the middle of a huge stage, audience awaits this very day, then…music came out of nowhere and a commentator's voice boomed to break the silence of the crowd…

Yaone: now…let's give a big round of applause for a special dance number from the…erm…what do you call your group again?

Everyone: sweatdrops

Lirin: I know! How about…"the demon dancers!"

Goku: speak for yourself! How about "Sanzo and the dancing potatos?"

(giant slap from the almighty fan)

Sanzo: Ch' stop thinking about food baka saru!

Gojyo: How come we don't have sexy back up dancers?

(another WHAPACK! From the fan)

Hakkai: erm…ano…how about "Saiyuki dance troupe"

(everyone fell silent)

Hakkai: ehehehe…erm…I'm just kidding…

Kougaiji: hmmm…. "Saiyuki dance troupe"…sounds good to me

(sweatdrops from everyone…Yaone fainted)

...THEN…youkais beware! Prepare yourselves to the new improved group of Sanzo! (kougaiji looked at –LethargicAngel- darkly) I mean…to the new improved group of Kougaiji (Sanzo cocked his gun on –LethargicAngel-'s direction) I mean…wah! Who's group leader anyway! (Hakuryu:kyu kyu) okie…prepare yourselves to the new improved group of Hakuryu!

A/N: that's it for now… hope you guys liked it. I know it's been a long time since I last wrote in this section. So please, tell me what you think about it. if you have suggestions feel free to say it NICELY, comments are welcome as long as you will be merciful (I'm only human ) hopefully this addition will revive my writing spirit again (I'm still looking for my missing muse…I wonder where it has been?) I hope that I'll be able to improve more. This is dedicated to all of you. Some of the statements here are from the suggestions of kind people who reviewed my past fics (thanks for the idea! …I'll also make new chapters from the new suggestions ) so…I guess it's time for me to go…yawns bye bye

Sanzo: hey! Don't you dare walk away from us!

-LethargicAngel-: nani? yawns oh! It's monkie!

Sanzo: URUSAI! stop calling me monkie!

Next chapter preview:

**STATEMENT # 19: IF the sanzo-ikkou will be attending school together (yep…this time THEY'RE the students…let em feel the pain of being a student nyahahaha…ahem…)…**


End file.
